Back in Theology 131, my two professors (Yes, I took Love, Sex and Marriage twice. I love sex that much) utilized Scott Peck’s views in order to tackle love. Despite being only a year out of college, I have already forgotten most of what was discussed in class (I am that brilliant of a student) save for several points:
*Real love is something that allows one person to grow.
*Love that is selfish cannot be considered real love.
*Love is a choice.
I understood these concepts at a theoretical level. I mean, I would like to believe that most Ateneans who listen when the teacher is talking will immediately understand the words of Scott Peck. After all, love is one of the things that people are most familiar with.
Love allows one person to grow.
I would like to believe that every person on this planet has experienced a certain type of love. A love for family, a love for adventure, a love for food, a love for companionship. Of course, the concept of romantic love is something that a lot of people are fascinated about.
Once you hit a certain age (let’s say 5), you suddenly develop a curious fascination about the people of the opposite sex. As a boy becomes aware of the fact that a skirt-clad classmate in fact does not have a sausage hanging from her crotch, she suddenly becomes as mysterious as unicorn poop.
There will be intense attractions among people who associate their sexuality on different teams. Some people will click and will experience a rare nirvana that doesn’t usually last long: a high school couple. Others go down the road of “perpetual” loneliness, spending their weeknights blasting sappy heartbreak songs, cursing the full moon with teary eyes, asking it: “Bakit hindi ako crush ng crush ko (Why won’t my crush crush me back)?”
People eventually graduate from high school, and you realize that things change when you see the high school couples that you got used to began drifting apart. They change into individuals that you never thought was possible. You will also realize something that is brilliantly put into words by Scott Peck: love is something that will allow you to grow.
However, there will be situations where this idea is going to be logically problematic. There’s an ideal going around that you have to learn to love yourself before you can love other people. Billy Joel also asks his lover to stay the same because he will love her just the way she is. Scott Peck says that real love helps a person grow.
I have to pity Billy Joel’s muse on this one. She’ll probably go insane if she wants to uphold all three ideas at the same time.
Selfish love is not real love.
People want to spend time with the people and things they love. Parents naturally want to spend time with their kids. Dogs want to spend time with their owners. Lovers always want to sit close to each other. I always want to be near my bed.
One of the biggest excuses why young couples (both in age and in length of the relationship) spend most of their time together is due to the fact that they want to be more involved in their partner’s lives. They want to learn more about them, to know their eating habits, their favorite music, their childhood exploits, their past. The obsession of knowing everything there is to know seems to be the way these couples make up for all of the time that they did not spend together.
I know people who act this way. They want to know everything there is to know. They want to be involved in their partners’ lives. That in itself is good. However, some go overboard.
Some take control of their partners, not allowing them to live their own lives. There are others who say that they cannot live without their partners. There are also people who enjoy wallowing in the tears of their own sadness.
Words for those kinds of people:
1. They are human beings, not Sims characters that you can command to stop shitting when they really need to shit. Stop choking her and give her space, man.
2. Bitch please. He was not the one who had to push your glorious ass out of her vagina, so that argument is moot. Seriously, stop being selfish and come up with a better thesis on why you need him.
3. Stop romanticizing your loneliness. You think it’s cool to compare yourself to Shakespeare’s tragic characters? One had a serious case of Oedipus complex and died. The other one drank poison after an underage lady friend he met a few days ago “died.” Being a lead male in a Shakespearean tragedy is not cool, man. Totally not cool.
(I know that this is not the correct interpretation for point #2, but shush.)
Love is a choice.
My girlfriend and I have been together for quite a while now. The honeymoon phase of the relationship has long passed, even if it has only been a few months. We are slowly bumping into one misunderstanding after another. A clear lack of communication–a circumstance that I cause a lot–usually cause these misunderstandings from happening. I also know that there will be more fights in the far future. The 18-year old me would have given up on this immediately and called it quits.
However, I love her. She is testing me in ways that I never thought was humanely possible. She is constantly challenging me and my limits as a lover, a son, a brother, a writer, and a human being. She showed me just how patient I can become for someone who is worth it.
Funny how a UP alumna actually made me understand what Scott Peck meant by love being a choice.
I chose her. I always choose her. I will always choose her.